July 8, 2009

Gone Fishin….

Last night a guy I KNEW, not the dramatic “wow I knew that guy Oh My God”, but that I KNEW, decided it was time to leave the planet.

He was a papa. And I won’t share his name. I will however, scold his ass.

He was my friend. My friend was a coward.

I have written about suicide on my blog before. And have repeatedly gotten hammered for my view on it. And I don’t care.

After having this experience, it only reaffirms for me the IMMENSE amount of sadness, heartbreak, helplessness, and confusion someone leaves behind when this happens.

So many people woulda gone to the wall, and done what they could, and the self-involvement necessary to turn your nose at that help, and create madness and hurt feelings by this act demonstrates a special type of selfishness.

There’s always the “catalyst” to this type of behavior.

And to this person, I want you to read me and hear me on the deepest level you can.

Mama. this is NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t MAKE HIM DO THIS. As impossible as it is to not personalize this right now, I want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss, and that he had far deeper stuff goin on, a ton more scratches built up, that he hadn’t as a human being resolved that got him here. His behavior isn’t on any level indicative of what you did to him. He was no victim.
If there is one thing that needs to be made sure, it’s that this isn’t your cross to bear. And I am here for YOU.

I hear his nasally whine a bit. The tough exterior. The quiet inward style. And now I grasp a little more the boy in there that was obviously full of self-centered fear.

Note to anyone thinkin about this.

Life is about pain. Life is about bein sadder than you ever have been. It’s about not bein able to breathe somedays. And then because we have such amazing skills as humans, It’s about reaching out to people we love. Takin chances. healing. Communicating. Talking. learning.

And gettin resolved, so that when someone we love is goin through what we have already gone through, that WE can be there for them and offer a road out, and a smile of undertstanding.

Pain goes away…. and even more so that pain becomes hope when we get resolved, and use it to help….

I’ll miss you Papa.

And I’m deeply upset that in the future, your name will come up in a million conversations and you’ll sadly be the guy who killed himself, and then people will look back down and order their food.

It’s so weird, that I feel like you would agree with everything I just wrote too….

Sleep with the angels, I hope you are finally at peace.


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