November 14, 2008


Today I am a sober man.

NYC and the downtown cobblestones have never felt more like eggshells. A dreary and saddened and hopeful walk and chalk of white lines and the near misses of an emotional journey that I have no chance of gettin’ over unless I peek a boo inside to untie that knots that tether me to a man I never wanted to be again.

Sweat beads bring heavy thoughts that pour out and over my fear. I always wonder what the feelings are of others as they have become so trusting in my beauty, and then I trick them and cascade into the mean and ugly creature that at his core resmebles me just enough to be taken seriously and hurt just as much.

I love my ciggies.

Shoppin has never been therapy for me. It all seems so ridiculous and time consuming. A daily american talent show. Who cares? Maybe I should more.
Lotsa feeling and thoughts here. Not entirely good. But nothin to be afraid of anymore. Its amazin to be ok with not bein ok. I haven’t had the sheer comfort of that in my life for so very long.

I feel strong and capable and a bit ugly and a bit not enough and a bit funny. Its enough to feel overwhelmed and excited about the very process of moments that make up the real reality of my day.

Life is. I’m glad to be back in it. Amongst it. Not watchin it. No longer solvin the worlds problems from the depressed solemn destitution of my bed while I scream at people on the tv actually LIVIN.

God is. Don’t know entirely how. But I’d never assume to be smart enough to figure that out. I just feel somethin untyin the knots. I will try and keep outta the way.

be good. avoid evil. make good decisions

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